Wouldn't it be wonderful if you could feel this loved all the time? Safe in your Grandma's arms? A whole new everything in front of you? She was a big fan of mine. Always encouraging...especially when it came to writing. I trusted her opinon because she wrote beautiful poems and read a lot. I actually let her read all of my journals once...we were bonded because of it. She had a readers view into my life during some of my most formative years. It made me feel wrapped in her arms...it still does. Just like this picture.
I have been thinking about this blog post for a long while, ever since I saw the movie Bridesmaids. A movie that was freaking hilarious but I could feel something just below the surface stirring. When I sat in my seat, I could see a wheelchair in front of me...we were late to the theatre and it was packed so we were close to the entrance. During the previews, I heard a familiar sound. The sounds of someone trying to talk who can't. I never appreciated the emotion conveyed through tones before. It made me think of Grandma in those last months.
The sounds that continued through the movie were of laughter and comments on what was an incredibly fun movie. I was laughing and truly enjoying it, but every now and then I would flashback on a moment at somepoint between the end of December and the middle of March. The sounds were so familiar. They were the only verbal type of communication we had with Grandma and I missed them. I thought back to the day when my Mom and I took her to the doctor for a follow-up appointment...and how everyone stared at us in the waiting room. For me it was an energy surge. Yes...this is our life...and we are handling it. I was proud. Now I think back and wonder how the heck we did it. And then I remember...it is that four letter word again. Love.
As the movie was winding it's way to the end, the person behind us with her beautiful sounds was being helped down the stairs by her caretaker. I happened to look over and could see her white shiny hair and a smiling face glowing in the light reflected off of the screen while she was helped into her wheelchair. It was just a glimpse and then it happened. All that was lingering just below the surface came out in heaping sobs. The missing. The sadness. The memories. The love.