Year 86 - Can I Still Count the Days??

Grandma is back in the hospital so I figured I could not still use the day count. Since today is her Birthday...I figured I could work off of that as my marker of time. 86 years...60 years married (although I say 64 because even though Grandpa is gone they are still connected), 59 years (tomorrow) as a Mother, 30 years as a Grandma to Little Bits, 34 years as a Grandma to Sweet Face, 69 years living in the DC area after leaving her hometown in Vermont, and 25 years of Federal Service. Happy Birthday Grandma!!! I love you so much!!!

Day Six - The Owl Above

In the back of my mind through all of the ups and downs...I have to remember to trust the process. You can handle whatever is handed to you. You learn. You grow. You know that it all works out as it should. And in between...you get really pissed...and that is okay too.

It was a long night last night and Grandma was up all night long. As tired as I am now after only having had a few hours of sleep...I wouldn't trade a moment. Just to be there and listen. The hardest part is not knowing or understanding what she says. You know she is communicating all of these things she wants you know and things she would like for you to do. It hurts not to know or understand...devestating. I was so upset last night, that all I could do was think about Grandpa and ask him to help us. The great Owl above is always looking out for us and that gave me strength. It gives all of us strength.

Day Five - No Place for Whimps

The space that we are occupying has no room for whimps...even if you want to cry yourself to sleep or work yourself into an anxious mess of "I can't do this"...you can only be there for a short while and then the realness of the situation grabs hold and you muster the confidence to dive back in. What I love most about our three person team is how we are never all in one of those "I can't do this" moments at the same time. Actually two of three are never both in one of those moments. That is what I love the most...when you do pop into that no confidence space...there are two people there to lift you up and remind you that you are not a whimp. That in fact we are only human afterall.

This is no place for whimps...but it is for those with a full heart. My favorite moment of the day is early in morning when I make my Mom a cup of coffee. There is something about making coffee that makes me feel good. Probably because it is just about the only thing that I can do in the kitchen. As upset as I was at my own misgivings and fears over failings last night...I was reminded that we all have a part to play in this place. In fact, we are still figuring out which parts are ours to play. It is only Day Five...and we are only human afterall.

Day Four - Unexpected Field Trip

Monday, Monday...Manic Monday...so...the thing about life is...every good routine is bound to be broken. But on the fourth day? Really??? I really thought that I could go atleast a week before hearing that annoying voice on the Shady Grove Parking Machine. In the creepy Speak & Spell voice...."Thank you and Come Again." Bullshit...I hope I never hear your creepy ass voice again!! No such luck today...but the good news is that even though a trip to the ER interrupted what would have been our first "work day" routine...we still ended up back at home...so that is beyond wonderful. It has made for a long day...but emphasized how good our routine is.

I was worried about spazzing about getting to work too late today...but something in my brain clicked. It was so much fun to take my time this morning and help out my Mom too. I felt like I was more productive at work too...even though I spent most of the day in a meeting. I missed the text from my sister alerting me to the trip to the ER...but hightailed it out of there at 6:15pm to meet up with everyone at the lovely hallowed halls of the SGAH ER. We have been there so much that we help route patients to the bathrooms. It is strange to think that the first time I was there was on a Preschool Field trip. The second was when my sister cut her chin open at 18 months...it was brand spanking new then. Now it is filled with memories of Grandma and Grandpa...is that werid?

My tidbit for today is a truth from the depths of my soul...

I am still afraid of transfers...there I wrote it. I am afraid and I need to just get over it. NO FEAR!!!