There is love…

Not many people are able to watch their Mother’s love story unfold.  In most cases, it happens before you arrive.  Not for us though, we never do anything according to convention.  I knew the moment when her face lit up, the first time she mentioned him. When you love someone, you can tell when they are in love.  You know it. You see it always…even when they have to make tough decisions.  When they have to watch the love of their life take a journey that they can’t follow them on.  I have watched for just over 20 years, the ebb and flow…the push and pull…of love. When you dream of a love of epic proportions you go through life expecting that it may never find you and if it does, it certainly won’t be easy. I watched my Mom, the love and the bravery, spending so much time with feeling it was only one-sided…only to learn her love was destined to be returned.  For a short span of time…they both finally knew.  Is it ever enough time?  Does it matter…if the love was always there holding them? There was no ceremony…there were no rings…there was no paperwork…by choice given their beautifully intertwined life philosophies…but there was love…and in the end…the one left holding the pieces that remain…is still…a widow.

Music Gifting...

Music is everything…it is how I was raised.  Sometimes a song can take you right back to a special place that is pure happiness.  For me, one of those places is sitting in the back seat of my Grandpa’s silver Mark V…turbine wheels…smooth maroon leather seats…playing with my beloved “ducky” (who was kept in that particular car for me) while he played groovy tunes for me.  It was the best.  I always knew how to groove.  Head swaying to music is a sign of a good soul…and you are born with it.  I miss him every single day…his hugs…his stories…his belief that I should be a big boss someday and write novels too.  I remember always playing music for him… “Grandpa…what do you think of this?”  He was the coolest and I think the only music he didn’t like was the Trance stuff that “sounded like I was building something in my room”.  The music was never too loud.  He got it.  He played the saxophone…he was full of soul.  He always slipped me money for music and understood the urgency of needing to get to Sam Goody or Tower Records. 

One of the greatest feelings is when you find new music that speaks to you.  I was driving around this morning…summertime vibes…windows down…and something new came through the airwaves.  It made me wish that I could share it with Grandpa.  Sitting together…with a quadrophonic sound system surrounding us.  Grooving. Chatting.  I could catch him up on all of the things.  In this moment as the music wraps around and holds me…I know he is here with me…and he thinks everything is copacetic.

Streaks...

There is an app for that...for streaks.  I remember numerous joywalking adventures with my friend Molli where we would postulate about how great it would be to have an app to help motivate you by tracking how many times a day/week/month you do something.  And now...there is something.  Above all else it has helped me to do something that I should do multiple times a day but do not.  Check my blood sugar.  Somehow, someway...this little app that let's me do streaks for whatever I want - checking blood sugar at least three times a day, going to the gym, taking a lunch break, vacuuming the steps, swiffering the floors, taking a walk, and doing something twice a week to be socially active (not shown) - is getting me healthier.  I am checking my blood sugar more than just once a day.  This is huge.  Knowledge is power.  When you know what your blood sugar is, you can actually manage it.  After 30 years, I have finally found something that motivates me to not be afraid to know my number all day long.  Plus, I am taking time to each lunch each day and doing all the other things that I want to do.  Doing the things that matter...

That one last knock on the head...

Early on a Monday morning...ready to head out before 5:30am...heading to the gym...then deciding to head to work early to get things done...and then maybe go to the gym at work...deicing your car...taking the trash out...then a recycle bin in each hand...then...your feet fly up in front of you...the recycle bins fly...and whap...in a flash...you fall back...head hitting the driveway.  Maybe the universe is trying to tell you something one...last...time.  Slow it down. Perhaps your best bet is to turn off your car...head back inside the house...and just stay home.  And so I did.  It was one last knock on the head.  I felt nauseous.  I felt lucky.  I started thinking about what could have happened if not for my tiny little ponytail at the back of my head that helped to buffer my fall.  I iced. I slept. I ignored work emails.  I curled in all ball to sleep to stretch my neck...which I had remembered as a trick for whiplash from my car accident in the summer.  I took a day.  The world went on.  Things could wait.  I could wait.  I iced. I slept.  I felt empowered.  It was a moment...a moment that I could decide once and for all to change.  That one last knock on the head to know that the things that matter start within. A mild concussion...to set things right.

Rabbits Rabbits Everywhere...

Maybe this happens to everyone...but I swear the same rabbit follows me everywhere I go...there is a bunny who always gives me the side eye in my backyard...and there is one when I am in Cape May.  I swear...the bunny found me when I was in San Diego.  Or maybe it is just because I am paying more attention that I seem to notice them.  Either way...rabbit sightings have become a thing.  So I knew a few months back when I saw that a new pub like place was opening called White Rabbit Gastropub I was going to have to make my way there.  Sometimes...you just have a feeling. 

You can learn a lot about a place when you are out and about on your own.  There are lots of things that go into the evaluation of whether or not you will go back again...the beer selection is important...the vibe of the place...the music playing...but above all else...it is about the people.  In the spirit of doing the things I want to do, regardless of whether or not I have someone to do them with, I have become quite comfortable walking into places on my own.  It gets easier and I do find that there are a few things make it less traumatic for my introverted self....so I am not always the strange girl at the bar scribbling into her notebook.  Talking about music, soccer, and/or beer are ways that I do actually initiate conversations...but it does take people around you who aim to be inclusive. 

Such was the case on my solo beer adventure this past Tuesday to White Rabbit Gastropub...after finally finding the rabbit hole...I was instantly at home.  I found my way to the second level bar...picked a stool...and had a fun night of good beer and conversation.  I was instantly pulled into the chatter happening around the bar and never once felt awkward or out of place.  It was all so easy...and clear that you find the places that you are meant to find.  Plus, they let me keep a pen...so you know...since I love to write...this was a thing.  

I'm going to keep following my hunches and enjoy the rabbit holes I decide to wander down...I'm definitely on the road to somewhere...and for once...I'm not going to rush...I'm just going to enjoy the breadcrumbs that are leading me forward to the things that matter.

The Things That Matter...

I believe in signs and omens...I believe that you are not handed anything that you can't handle...I believe that you should trust the process...I believe that you should do what you love...I believe that I needed a good swift kick to remember all of these things.  We all have moments when you feel a little bit lost...but the key is not to dwell there to long.  You have to remember the things that matter.  The things that matter to you...and then all else will work its way out.  I know the things that matter to me...my family...love in my heart and soul...writing...music...soccer...beer...walking for miles...staring at trees and/or water...dates with Gym...and travel.  These are the things I need to consume myself with...not my job.  My job is the thing that allows me to enjoy all the things that matter.  I had briefly forgotten.

I was watching my favorite local band (19th Street Band) talk about and then sing their song

"The Things That Matter" and it hit me...I'm not really doing all of the things that matter to me.  It took some time to work it through...many scribbles in my journal...a few beers...some music...random epiphany inspiring conversations at my local watering hole...then a decision to put all fears aside...and just do all the things.  So, I am.  I'm going to make time for all the things...and in doing so...I'll have endless fodder for the one thing I love to do the most...write. 

Beer:  Off the Rook - RAR

Music:  I Want to Be Here - Neko Case (Case/Lang/Veirs)

Vacations are for Writing...

A funny thing happened just before I went on vacation...I picked up one of the 8 unfinished novels I have...the one closest to being done...the one I love the most...and easily started making edits that seemed way to complicated to deal with in 2010, 2014, and 2015.  I guess when you are ready, you are ready.  The most amazing thing is...I shut off social media...and focused.  I didn't write about it.  I didn't post about it.  I wanted to surprise one of my friends for their birthday.  It was the perfect motivation.  It was like all of my fears fell by the wayside.  My voice came back.  I was suddenly ready to finish.

There were many reasons for finishing.  What gave me my kick start was that I had a new idea hit me when I was sitting at an Irish Pub with my sister.  I was watching a "session" and I had a vision for a closing scene...I could feel it.  I was so close.  I knew how the story was going to end.  It is a glorious feeling...when it hits.  Sometimes I get the title first.  Other times there is one vivid scene and the rest of the novel works it's way around it.  In order to fully engage in a new novel, I knew that I had to finish my NanoWrimo 2009 novel.  I need to do the work before I start a new one.  It was a respect thing.  I accepted that I am a writer and I need to write.  As I writer, I owe it to my words to complete them so that others can read them. 

After my Irish Pub Visit...I did some planning...

My first day of vacation...all the edits (pen and ink style) fell across the page...while I had my first ever Duck Doughnut.

Electronic Edits commenced on a novel with hints of espionage while drinking a beer called Burner...it was kismet.

The last set of edits happened at the beach...my haven...Cape May...I came home and printed it to send to Texas.

Twas the Night before NanoWrimo... (Word Count = 0)

So, maybe I won't write a novel in November...but my goal is to write every day.  A story a day.  A story a day that I will post on my blog.  It is something to get my writing going.  That is the point of National Novel Writing Month (NanoWrimo)...to get the words out.  I need to get back to my writing...with some form of consistency.  I don't know what I will write about.  I'm hoping that each short story over the next 30 days will have some common thread to it.  My hope is to let a song inspire me each day to write a story.  Perhaps even a baby sized beer every now and again too.  I have a plan.  Each morning during my 4 miles...I'll pick a song or ask for song recommendations the evening before.  Then I will spend the my hour on the treadmill plotting and maybe making some notes.  Then...after work...maybe with a baby beer and maybe without...I'll put fingers to keys or pen to paper...and write!!  WRITE!!  I can't wait.  It will feel so good to get my creatives going.  A story a day...for 30 days.  This year I am a Nano Rebel...

Just be...

I always look to the trees for answers...I used to just look to my tree...the one that has watched me grow since I was eight.  The thing is, there are trees everywhere and each is worthy of answer seeking.  You can't be afraid to switch things up. Look for different trees.  Change your perspective.  Let the energy move you. Trust it.  Flow with it.  Grow with it.  What you need. What you want.  What you have.  Where you need to be.  You shall be... 

In that sacred space...

No matter how many years pass, in a split second, you can get pulled back into that space.  Sometimes you go willingly...you spur it on with a song or going to places once visited.  Sometimes you find it on the wind while watching the sunrise.  Sometimes you are sitting in a pub, watching soccer, and you overhear a conversation between siblings about their parent.  How to manage their care.  How to rearrange the furniture.  How to convert the downstairs bathroom to include railings.  How to add an extra railing in the stairwell.  How to add a ramp to the garage steps.  It all came rushing back during the time of year where it all still lingers.

Something happens in this space of time from late November until mid March...there is this thing that travels overhead and settles around.  Every year I think I am strong enough to not let it weigh into my being.  It is this sacred space that I shared with my Mom and Sister when we were caring for someone who was dying.  There was no time for wallowing.  There was no time for regret.  There was only time to be fully present and ready for whatever the next moment brought.  It was hard.  It was scary.  It was not without tears.  It was beautiful.

There was a moment last night when I stood by the water and I could feel it all.  The ebb and flow of everything.  The energy.  The sky was strewn with color.  Everyone we needed was around.  We toast.  We live.  We love.

Week 8: The last normal week?

Half Marathon with Friends!!

Week 8 of 20 is in the books.  My required long miles were extended by one so that my friends and I could do a half marathon on Saturday. It was the perfect day for it...and my motivation was undoing everything at the pub later while watching soccer.  I got to the gym every morning and did my 4 miles without fail.  This may be the last week that I will make that goal...at least the getting to the gym part.  It wasn't until today when I was re-reading my surgery forms that I realized, I am probably going to have to improvise on my morning routine.  I may not be able to get to the gym, but I will figure out how to still get my miles.  I'm starting to think about other things...like washing my hair and driving.  Do I really know what I am in for?  Can you really ever know before you really get there?  I have decided to keep rolling with it...take each thing as it comes...and keep moving forward.  Try not to think too far down the road.  Go moment to moment.  You know...do life the way you always should...no matter what you have to face.

Week 8 Data

Total Week 8 Steps:  117,530

Total Week 8 Miles:  52.61

Total Overall Training Steps:  852,141

Total Overall Training Miles:  375.72

Week 7: Breadcrumbs...

Nope, this is not about carbs.  This is about the trail of goodness that you follow by searching for one thing that leads you to something even better.  One thing leads to another.  The getting of miles always feels good, but what feels even better is all of the music I'm discovering.  I love how my searches on Spotify lead to places that I could have never anticipated upon my first search.  On Sunday, I felt the need for some Henry Rollins.  Music and Spoken Word.  I searched Rollins Band first.  Liar.  Ghostrider. Then I searched for Henry Rollins and found a great song he did with Marcus Blake called Arrogant Girl.  And then...I found an incredible version of Lonesome, On'ry, and Mean that he did for a Waylon Jennings Tribute album...which was filled with fantastic interpretations.  Guy Clark's version of Good Hearted Woman.  Norah Jones's Wurlitzer Prize. All of this of course led to the rest of my 4 mile journey with Waylon Jennings with some Willie Nelson from time to time. This has been my motivation on those mornings when I would rather sleep.  I think about not having my time with my music...and I get some go.  I'm wondering if I should start to put together a playlist for my 26.2 miles.  I should probably figure out my route first...marked with breadcrumbs.

Week 7 Data

Total Week 7 Steps:  107,182
Total Week 7 Miles:  47.22

Total Overall Training Steps:  734,611
Total Overall Training Miles:  323.11

Week 5 and 6: Just go with it...

Things get busy.  My gym was closed for a week.  Routines get thrown off kilter.  Two weeks go by...but the miles are still accumulating.  I made no excuses...I still hit every mark on my training plan.  I was also reminded that getting miles outside beats the treadmill every single time...so I need to work that into my week day mile getting....even if just a few days week.  There is something wonderful about walking, breathing in the cool, crisp fall air beneath the moon.  Change is good.  A reminder that you just need to go with it...

Week 5 - Saturday AM Walk with Friends...I needed 8 miles...we got 9 instead.

Week 5 Data

Total Week 5 Steps:  110,676
Total Week 5 Miles:  48.51

Total Overall Training Steps:  520,427
Total Overall Training Miles:  228.86

Week 6 - A solitary 10 miles on my favorite paths at the Soccer Plex.

Week 6 Data

Total Week 6 Steps:  107,002
Total Week 6 Miles:  47.03

Total Overall Training Steps:  627,429
Total Overall Training Miles:  275.89

Week 4 - Fear as Fuel

Retail Therapy - Earthy Vibes

Week 4 was something...but I got through it...by doing what I always do...keep smiling...keep moving forward...keep it in perspective.  Maybe I went shopping too...and got a new bracelet...natural wood beads...which felt grounding.  I needed grounding.  It worked.  

It was a tough work week but also a tough life week.  I have to preface that statement with the perspective thing...I am lucky to know amazing people who kick so much cancer ass it is ridiculous.  So part of what made me so upset this week was how upset I was about something.  Something I have always feared.  Surgery.  Surgery with anesthesia.  

I feared it because it will make me dependent on others.  I will have to ask for help.  I won't be able to manage my T1 diabetes...even if for just a day or two.  I have been doing it everyday for almost 28 years.  I don't ever want to be a burden.  I had accepted that surgery for my "frozen" shoulder was going to have to happen at some point.  What I wasn't prepared for was that doing it sooner rather than later would be necessary.  It through off my whole plan...I was going to get my 26 miles on January 2...and then have surgery shortly there after.  I know...plans...but I also know that everything happens in the right time, space sequence.  So a date has been set - - Friday, October 16th at 6:30 am.  I'll be home and in PT that same day.  I got this.     

The other thing I got is my miles...since I can walk no matter what is happening with my shoulder...I'm going to do my best to keep up with my training.  I may flip a week so that I can do 12 miles just before and only 6 miles the day after surgery.  I'll play it by ear...it will all work out...I got no worries.  

Week 4 Data

Total Week 4 Steps:  102,042
Total Week 4 Miles:  44.09


Total Overall Training Steps:  409,751
Total Overall Training Miles:  180.35

Week 3 - Good Company

The X's are filling up on the training plan and I have yet to miss a day.  Every weekday morning I get to the gym and get 4 miles (10K steps) before my work day even begins.  Even with the longer walks on the weekends...this is still happening...so that feels really good.  For me, it is all about motivation.  For the past two weeks, I have been picking a different singer/band to listen to each morning while on the treadmill.  It is good company...music in my ears...my mind free to wander wherever it wants to go.  My morning zen.  I'm lucky to have it.

I am lucky to also have people company on some of my longer walks...this week MPB joined me for what was supposed to be 7 miles...but we made it 8.  Not many people would ask for your training schedule to see which dates they can join you.  She also knows that this time of year I have to look at my AM soccer watching schedule...because I might have to be at the pub.  I may need to find one that I can walk too.  Hmmmm....

Week 3 Data

Total Week 3 Steps:  111,180

Total Week 3 Miles:  49.43


Total Overall Training Steps:  307,709

Total Overall Training Miles:  136.26

What are your life bullet points...??

Prepare to be offended...or not.  There is no sense in sugar coating what you believe.  I spend a lot of time thinking about words.  What to say.  What not to say.  What to write.  What medium to write in.  I enjoy the swirling of words.  I love when they fall into place.  Great things happen when they fall into place and then you share them.  Sometimes it takes a long time.  Sometimes it doesn't.

I think words on lists are my most favorite.  Who doesn't love succinct bullet points to really get to the point?  Over the course of many years...I have developed many lists.  Things to do.  Things to buy.  Experiences to be had.  Moments to Capture.  Believe me, I know that the most fun in life comes from ignoring lists and allowing yourself to "just be".  But, there is comfort in writing things down, in case you want to remember or need a reference point.  Sometimes it helps to have a bit of documentation to help make both important and seemingly unimportant decisions.  Guideposts.

I have list of tenets that I have thought about for many years...and I finally took time to write them down.  My life bullet points.  How I choose to be.  It is a short list.  But a good one I think...good for me...and I guess that is all that matters.

Week 2 - The Essentials

It feels wrong to say that I am in training because there is no intensity or stress in what I am doing.  I'm just ramping up the miles on Saturday so that I can easily do 26 in January.  It is easy breezy.  I'm having fun.  I'm generating more miles and steps each week...and for now...that is enough for me.  I'm adding in other things, like more mindful eating.  I focused this week on the essentials - carbs, hydration, and blood sugar.  For my six miles on Saturday, I did something I haven't ever done before.  I ate beforehand, monitored my blood sugar, and ate afterward as well. The fact that I took the time to deal with instead of ignore where my blood sugar was is important to note.  It showed me how much I have changed over the past few months.  I'm no longer ignoring my T1 diabetes.  I won't ever say that I am managing it, because I don't think you can.  I'm working with it.

Week 2 Data

Total Week 2 Steps:  112,053

Total Week 2 Miles:  50.20


Total Overall Training Steps:  196,529

Total Overall Training Miles:  86.86

Week 1 - My Own Little Marathon

A funny thing happened week before last while on an epic walk with my friend MPB...I had a genius idea.  Actually, walking with MPB is always insightful and many a genius idea has been had while on either a short or long trek.  She is one of those people who helps me with my life on a regular basis. On our last adventure, I got to talking about how we should aim to get to 13 miles on one of our jaunts.  And then I got to thinking...you know...I really love walking...and maybe...just maybe...I have another 26.2 miles in me.  So I decided that I would walk 26.2 miles after the first of the year...January 2, 2016 to be exact. I love winter.  I love walking.  I love January.  So why not?

I dusted off my marathon training plan...which is 20 weeks long...and last week started week 1.  I'm really only using the plan for the Saturday long walks...which progress from 5 miles to 20 miles.  I have a good solid plan for the week days...I get my 4 miles in every morning before I even get to work.  Saturdays will be for long distances.  Sundays...I can rest.  This is totally doable.

Week 1 Data

Total Week 1 Steps:  84,476
Total Week 1 Miles:  36.66

Total Overall Training Steps:  84,476
Total Overall Training Miles:  36.66

Ready, Steady, Go...

Cape May Musing...

Early Morning.  Thunderstorms Rolling.  Windows Open.  Oceans Churning.  Raindrops Falling.  World Turning.

Pen and Paper.  Everything I need.  Just listening to the ocean.  I always wanted a simple kind of life.

A long line made up of spectacular tiny moments of pure joy.  Those split seconds where your heart is so happy.  They are real.  They carry you through.

The more you let the feeling in the more these moments string together.

It is when you stop counting that you realize every second is that moment.

                                                                                        - Cape May -
                                                                                         July 27, 2015

So about those words... (Pages Edited = 13)

Right...it is November...how is that novel writing coming along?  Well...in all honesty...I have not felt like sitting at Panera or Starbucks huddled behind my laptop.  The weather is beautiful...and being outside seems like the best thing for my soul.  There was a time when writing the words was what I needed...but I don't need that any more.  I think it is okay that I haven't been feeling like barfing out new words for word counts.  There is something else I have felt like doing...editing old words.  What?  Yes...editing.  My NanoWrimo Novel from 2009 is still the one I am closest to finishing.  It is the one I carry around with me...all...the...time.  It is always in the back of my car...taunting me to read through it and get it closer to done.  So, that is what I am doing.  My novel...The Accidental Agent...is going to get another rebuff...and then...I will send it to my friend in Texas to read.  I was supposed to do that last January before I visited her on my birthday.  She hasn't asked me about it once.  I think that means more.  I know that she knows I will eventually send it to her.  I know that it will happen...eventually.

Years ago...one of my old bosses called me out on something regarding my writing.  She said that I never finished any of my novels because I was afraid of finishing.  If I finished one, I would have to do something with it.  She was absolutely right.  Maybe the fear is subsiding...maybe finishing a novel no longer seems so impossible...ready, steady, here I go...