Thankful...

As I think back over the span of time between last Thanksgiving and this Thanksgiving...the common theme is transition. Last year we were doing things up big because Grandma's favorite holiday was Thanksgiving and she wanted a Christmas with lots of sparkle. So, that is what we did. We enjoyed every second and were fully present for each moment...that is what I am most thankful for...no wasted opportunity. The time as it leaked into the new year was marked by tremendous adjustments as we stood by Grandma's side in the last of her days. I am thankful that we were there. The time in the after was of figuring out how you move on and piecing together what your life is to be. I am thankful that each of us (in our own way) is figuring this out. I am thankful that my Mom, Sister, and I have each other...with a solid support system...you can accomplish anything.

Flipping the Switch...

There is a switch in your brain that you know eventually will flip on. You don't want it to flip prematurely and yet the waiting can be incredibly frutstrating. My grandpa always talked about the three P's - Patience, Persistance, and Perseverance. The first P of the list has always been the toughest for me. Yet, one of the last things my Grandpa ever said to me was..."Joy, you know what makes you so great?" I prepared myself for his response to be like one of my favorite things he used to say about me, "You're annoying, but you come in handy." Instead, he simply said, "Your patience." My hearts still swells thinking about hearing those words. It is the fuel that drives me. Patience.

I knew this past summer when I came back from Camp that I wanted to finally get off of my butt and work hard at all aspects of my life, not just my job. I had been hiding for far too long. I had been ignoring my health for too long. I didn't want to make any more excuses. I was ready to do the hard work. I wanted to do the hard work. There have been three things serving as my motivators...1) a camper at camp who faced their limited diet like a champ, 2) my doctor, upon letting me know that she was leaving the area, told me that she believed that I could do this (this being...managing my T1 Diabetes), and 3) watching the University of Maryland Men's Soccer Team.

Evidently, the switch that flipped was the realization that if being a workaholic is part of my core...then I needed to adapt that drive to everything in my life. Why it took me so long to figure that out I have no idea, but I'm glad I did. I work hard at the gym. I work hard to balance things at work so that I can work hard at having fun too. I work hard to stick to a consistent diet so that my blood sugars are in tighter control. Working hard at work is a given...I have been doing that consistently for the past 17 years.

The lesson was that I needed to remember the three P's for all aspects of my life...not just my career. If the concept of work and getting things done is my motivator, well then I should use that for everything I do. It has made all the difference actually. There are times when I feel completely transformed. I'm not the same person I was when I left camp. I'm not the same person I was the first time I saw a soccer game. I'm not the same person I was when I said goodbye to my doctor. I think I'm finally becoming me.

Life in Actions not Words...

So I have not updated about my word count during the past week. That is because last Sunday I had one of those moments where things just hit you...while at Panera surrounded by my NanoWrimo friends I realized something. For the first time in seven years the words were not flowing, the blank page was frustrating me. I always prided myself on being able to fill it no matter what. Something was different. Something had changed. Come to find out, it was me.

It was a very simple realization actually, but for me, those are always the most difficult things to grasp. The sun was shining outside of Panera and I kept looking out the window longingly. I realized that I don't need to do NanoWrimo this November. Instead of writing about life, I want to just live it. The past two and half months have been filled with tremendous transformations for me. I came back from camp in August knowing that I needed to change things. I needed to be a better me. So, that is what I have been doing. Focusing on being a responsible Type 1 Diabetic by eating normally and getting to gym. No tricks, no gimmicks. I have just been working my butt off and it feels really, really good.

I haven't written about all the changes I have been making, because I did not want to jinx things. The truth is, they don't seem like changes. I'm just living my life the way I always I knew that I could. I don't need food to feel better. I don't need a word count to make me feel better. I just need to be me. Joy.

The thinking in between... (Word Count = 10,237)

I'm clocking time at Panera and I keep getting side tracked. My mind keeps wandering away from my story and I am having a really hard time focusing. There is something very different going on in terms of my writing this go around and I'm working my way through it. I used to derive a lot of happiness from the ever increasing word count, but this year it just doesn't feel the same. I'm in another place it seems, which isn't bad, it is just different. I think I'd rather be outside inside of in.