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Saturday, December 31, 2011

Scribbling Things Out...

The one thing that feels really good right now is the fact that I am not going to be one of the January Gym Starters...I have been clocking time since September...so I feel like a regular. I am a regular. My gym time has become a regular part of my life which is not only helping me to be healthier but to have balance. It feels really good to have time to just be...in complete anonymity. At the gym, I have no real role other than to work hard and it is for just one reason...to be a better me. There is a lot of power in that...power that I have not ever felt before.

As I continue to hone things health-wise, I'm going to set some things out on paper. I am feeling the need to do some old school journaling...taking the pen to paper to work some things out. I haven't done that in so long, but I feel like I need some blank pages to fill in order to kick start the next phase of things. I know that I need to change my eating habits (spacing out meals during the day) to continue to make more progress. I know that I need to start enacting several of the insulin changes that my endocrinologist has suggested. I need to not be afraid of what "could" happen. I need to focus on the flip side of getting better control so that I can work even harder. My fear is that eating during the day slows me down at work. My fear is that since I have to take insulin to cover said eating...I may get more lows...which will slow me down at work. It all routes back to my fear of not being able to do work.

I will get it happening...making the next set of changes will allow me to work more efficiently. It will make me better...especially if I start writing it all out on paper. Scribbling things out while operating with no fear...I will get it done.

Wednesday, December 28, 2011

A year ago...

On the heels of our return from a fun Christmas in Annapolis, our world took a turn. At the time, we didn't know how long the journey would be. We were hopeful. We were realistic. We were scared. We felt lost sometimes. We were tired. But we always had each other...

I spent much of yesterday thinking about this picture...it is from Christmas Eve last year as we were shopping around Annapolis. We had so much fun. We knew that it was essential to enjoy every moment the four of us (Grandma, Mom, Sister, and Me) had together. I don't know if we somehow intuited what the next few days (and ultimately months) would bring or if we just knew that at some point we would not be a foursome so we needed to live it up big. Sometimes you just have a feeling...and you never want to have regrets.

Three days later we hustled quickly to put the new bed set that we had given to Grandma for Christmas on her bed before she came upstairs for the evening. It was frantic really...we had to sneak it upstairs because we wanted to surprise her. As the end of the evening drew to night, she was ready to go upstairs. We had assumed our regular positions...one of us walked backwards ahead of her and one of us behind. She had a bit of trouble grabbing the stair rail with her right hand...which was weird. I suggested perhaps we stay downstairs, but Grandma was pleading with me. She wanted to go upstairs to her bedroom. "Please..."

So we proceeded upstairs, her determination was fueling the journey. She was struggling...but she had a goal...and she was not afraid of hard work. She got just in the doorway to peak in see her bed all dolled up and then we eased her to the floor. We knew what was happening. She knew what was happening. She was having another stroke...and it was very different than the ones before. I have two vivid memories from that night...the sound of her voice saying "Please" and the look on her face when we locked eyes as the EMTs helped her into a transport bed/chair thing. She knew it was bad too.

The time span between December 27, 2010 and March 18, 2011 would be filled with so many moments. The four of us were still figuring things out...together...until we were just three.

Thursday, December 1, 2011

November is Over and Suddenly the Words Start Again... (Word Count = 62,692)

So it is a new month and magically the words have started to flow again...I'm working on the draft novel that I started writing back in July for CampNanoWrimo. I planned ahead this week...thinking that I would be able to clock some time at Panera on Thursday night...and here I am. The orange wall helping with the words...about 500 written tonight so far.

If I am totally honest, the majority of my word count for this November was some work that I did on this old story from July. It felt like cheating...so I sort of stopped myself from working on it. Every November I have always written a brand new story...and it felt wrong not to do that again. The cool thing is...after I did some merging an organizing I learned a couple of things about my current work in progress.

1) It is 155 pages (so far).
2) It is 62,692 words (so far). For those of you counting at home, that means that I have written 12,334 words since the end of July. About 9K of those were during November.
3) It is Fourteen Chapters (so far).
4) It is a cute, fun little story. My main character and boy hero are adorables...I had forgotten that.

And just like that...I am back in the novel writing game. Did you notice how I noted each of the markers (pages, words, and chapters) with a "so far"? That is hope...I'm gonna finish this one. So there it is...I am off and running again!!